By Starr Bowenbank via Cosmopolitan
Are you really going to hell or do you just say it a lot?
Those 52 unread texts are calling for your ~spicy~ eternal damnation, but we’ll see.
Do these flames make my highlights pop?
1. Your ex’s new S.O. accidentally Likes a 67-week-old pic of you and your ex on your IG. Your move?
a. Block her immediately because I love myself.
b. Publicly let it slide but think about it 5ever.
c. DM her to say, “It’s fine! Been there!”
2. Mid-Scandal rewatch, you realize you forgot to call the landlord about the wonky oven like you promised your roommate. You:
a. Um, lie and say they never came?
b. Vow to call them...after the next episode. Mellie’s about to be president.
c. Beg for forgiveness and google “how to fix oven with plastic tool kit.”
3. A very cute Starbucks cashier slips you a venti when you ordered a tall. How do you thank them?
a. I’ll grace them with my beautiful presence the next time I get a caramel macchiato, LOL.
b. By sending an aggressively positive email to the store manager saying, “Your staff is the only thing getting me through this second round of 2020.”
c. With individually wrapped homemade vegan chocolate chip cookies I made wearing full-body PPE.
4. Speaking of roommates and beverages, you lowkey used the last of their v expensive, barista-grade oat milk. Will you replace it, or...?
a. And rob her of the knowledge of how much life actually sucks? No.
b. I dipped before they woke up but already Venmo’d them!
c. Literally swiping my debit card at Whole Foods as I take this quiz.
5. ’Twas your mom’s birthday yesterday! Did you remember to text/call/FaceTime/message-in-a-bottle?
b. I may or may not have needed a gentle reminder from my sis, but it happened!
c. I organized a drive-by celebration and sent a box set of Denzel Washington’s filmography to her doorstep, tyvm.
6. It’s 10:02 p.m. on Bachelor Monday. You’re already in your jammies—what do you do with the empty pizza box on your coffee table?
a. Sorry, I *will* be attempting to stuff it down the trash chute. I’m tired.
b. I’ll reuse it to ship the old clothes I just sold online?
c. Obviously, bring it down to the basement for recycling!
Hell yeah, bb!
You’re facing a haute afterlife in The Pit™ for your meh ways, but you’re very down. You’re even planning your first dinner party feat. Satan, Lucifer, Judas, and the fanciest truffle pasta the underworld has to offer.
Your one-way ticket isn’t booked, but there’s still time to solidify your reservation. Honestly, that oat-milk fiasco just brought you closer to a lifetime of oven-fired pizza while you live in...uh, literal fire!
You just say it a lot.
Being sweeter than literal pie will make it tough for you to enter h-e-l-l. And I heard that furry destruction monster you call a dog will end up there. My advice: Be more like Buddy so you can frolic in the heat together for eternity.